I want Dirk to work at a cheesy Texas-themed restaurant with a gift shop that sells belt buckles emblazoned with the texas flag and shot glasses with cheesy quotes on them and I want him to hate his job so much as he’s forced to wear a cowboy hat and normal shades because his boss won’t let him wear his normal ones
John and all his friends come in and Dirk seriously considers quitting right then and there.
Jade orders the big challenge plate, where you have to eat a 72 oz steak in an hour and she’s done in 25 minutes and gets her picture taken. Dave buys a shirt that says “I’m ready to kick some Tex-ASS” and refuses to take it off meanwhile John has somehow climbed on top of the two-story giant cow outside of the restaurant and Rose is taking pictures of him from the ground.
HAL: How many Dirk splinters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
4.
DIRK 1 is a hard young man with hair like a majestic bird. His hands are heavy and his nails thick. Traces of the Iberian coal mines of his childhood still burr in the corners of his accent. He has a swanlike neck and an air of disenchanted intransigence.
DIRK 2 is a hard young man with hair like a majestic bird. His face is pockmarked and his legs hirsute. He has the easy laugh and unlovable jawline characteristic of long-ago Moroccan cornfields. He has a forty-inch chest and an air of detached insouciance.
DIRK 3 is a hard young man with hair like a majestic bird. His teeth are nicotine-stained and his earlobes pendulous. His aching pelvic floor and crushed mandible recall the rough-bitten Santa Fe longshoremen who reared him. He has an ear infection and an air of distracted incongruity.
TT: Yes, it’s basically a song that only plays on one station. I’m pretty sure it’s a secure one.
TT: When I was younger it used to help me fall asleep, I liked to think it was from Bro.
TT: That he’d somehow managed to make this song for me, and found a way to keep it brodcasting in some super secure bunker somewhere; like he knew what I’d have to deal with. I used to like to think that the song was Bro saying goodnight to me, and I swear that sometimes in the static between it replaying I could hear him.
TT: Stupid as that sounds, it was the only thing that helped me sleep when I was younger. Made me feel like someone was out there looking out for me.
Imagine Dirk diving down to the ruined city below him and scavenging not just for food and supplies or scrap, but for weird stuff. Just things he’s never seen before that give him some clue as to what life was like on earth. Things he’d have no clue what they’re for and he can’t look them up online because he doesn’t know what they’re even called.
He’ll find something like a corkscrew and be completely baffled as to what it was used for and he’ll use it as a tool while working on robots. Or he’ll find a soup ladle and be like wtf it looks like a spoon but there’s no way in heck this would fit in someone’s mouth (on that note, would he even know what spoons are for?). So he collects them and builds a horse statue out of them because what else could they possibly be for??? And his entire living room is filled with his collection of all these weird gadgets and gizmos and thingamabobs. And he spends a lot of time looking at them wondering what it would be like to live in a world filled with such wonderful things.
i couldn’t help myself!! this was just too cute
!!!!!!!!
He asks Jane and Jane is like “ur fucking with me right? Stop being such a goofball”
Oh heck yes! And he’s like “Ah, yeah, of course. Shit, can’t fool the master prankster, huh?”
“Darn straight, buster! You expect me to believe you’ve never seen a lemon juicer? A hot place like Texas probably has lemonade stands all over the place in summer time. Try harder.”
And Jane doesn’t get an answer for a solid ten minutes while Dirk googles “lemon juicer” and “lemonade stand” and “lemon.” And he has to resist the urge to ask her what lemons are like, so instead he changes the subject. “Anyway, check out this weird fancy belt I got. It’s got pockets, even though they don’t hold shit too well.” And the prankster’s gambit goes entirely to Dirk’s side as he proudly shows her a black lacy strapless bra.
“…. Touche, Dirk. A low blow, I must say; but I think I underestimated your pranking prowess. Rest assured it won’t happen again.” And she signs out.
Dirk is very confused and decides it’s best not to ask Jane about these things until she’s ready to believe he’s from the future. Fortunately, Roxy is able to clear up the weird belt issue later while laughing her a off.
queerhomestuck 